I can’t figure out for the life of me if I have ALWAYS been this way, now that I think about it. All I know is that since my separation, being alone feels very… ALONE.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while now, but have been afraid of this topic being met with pity rather than just being read with my intention of sharing what’s going on for me these days. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I’m purely ‘noticing’ more about myself. I guess this is the learning process that is known as self-growth? Am I growing or just more aware of myself? IS THAT THE SAME THING?
It’s funny, because I used to follow people, who were clearly ‘single’, on Instagram and I’d envy their ‘freedom’ to be out and about on their own, with no one to answer to, nowhere to be at any given time, no one to decide their dinner plans for them… I envied that lifestyle deeply. But now that I find myself living that lifestyle 50% of the time, I am at SUCH a loss as to what to even do with myself. It’s having the exact opposite effect as I imagined. All you lovely couples out there, this is not glamorous.
This is what alone feels like.
My (ex)husband and I got to a point in our marriage where we kind of lived entirely separate lives. We’d be under the same roof but we might as well have been on different planets. The extent of our interactions became lesser and fewer. We became strangers who moved around the house in this awkward unspoken dance of trying to stay out of each others’ path. I felt lonely, but I can now see that I wasn’t ALONE. If I went out to the car to grab something and slipped on ice (which is a possibility given Vancouver’s current inclement weather) no one would come looking for me. It sounds more dramatic than I mean it to be, but living alone is different than feeling lonely. And I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt alone before.
When I was fresh out of our separation, I had big plans. I was going to be one of those single Instagram people- trying out cute little restaurants and cafes that I’ve had on my wish list for so long, lots of fitness classes, testing out new recipes on nights I stay in, weekly girl’s nights when I am solo for wine and the latest trendy reality TV show…
As it turns out, all of my friends have plans with their own partners and families and wine nights don’t often pan out. As it turns out, cooking for 1 is a ton of work and it’s not as much fun enjoying a new recipe without company. As it turns out… I’m not confident enough to sit through a dinner at a cute little restaurant ALL BY MYSELF. I’m not even confident enough to attempt.
I’m working on it.
I’m writing about it- which makes me feel less alone already.
For all you out there who may be feeling lonely, just know that you are not alone.