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Alone Alone
I can’t figure out for the life of me if I have ALWAYS been this way, now that I think about it.  All I... Alone

I can’t figure out for the life of me if I have ALWAYS been this way, now that I think about it.  All I know is that since my separation, being alone feels very… ALONE.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while now, but have been afraid of this topic being met with pity rather than just being read with my intention of sharing what’s going on for me these days.  I don’t feel sorry for myself, I’m purely ‘noticing’ more about myself.  I guess this is the learning process that is known as self-growth?  Am I growing or just more aware of myself? IS THAT THE SAME THING?

It’s funny, because I used to follow people, who were clearly ‘single’, on Instagram and I’d envy their ‘freedom’ to be out and about on their own, with no one to answer to, nowhere to be at any given time, no one to decide their dinner plans for them… I envied that lifestyle deeply.  But now that I find myself living that lifestyle 50% of the time, I am at SUCH a loss as to what to even do with myself.  It’s having the exact opposite effect as I imagined.  All you lovely couples out there, this is not glamorous.

This is what alone feels like.

My (ex)husband and I got to a point in our marriage where we kind of lived entirely separate lives.  We’d be under the same roof but we might as well have been on different planets.  The extent of our interactions became lesser and fewer.  We became strangers who moved around the house in this awkward unspoken dance of trying to stay out of each others’ path.  I felt lonely, but I can now see that I wasn’t ALONE.  If I went out to the car to grab something and slipped on ice (which is a possibility given Vancouver’s current inclement weather) no one would come looking for me.  It sounds more dramatic than I mean it to be, but living alone is different than feeling lonely.  And I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt alone before.

When I was fresh out of our separation, I had big plans.  I was going to be one of those single Instagram people- trying out cute little restaurants and cafes that I’ve had on my wish list for so long, lots of fitness classes, testing out new recipes on nights I stay in, weekly girl’s nights when I am solo for wine and the latest trendy reality TV show…

As it turns out, all of my friends have plans with their own partners and families and wine nights don’t often pan out.  As it turns out, cooking for 1 is a ton of work and it’s not as much fun enjoying a new recipe without company.  As it turns out… I’m not confident enough to sit through a dinner at a cute little restaurant ALL BY MYSELF.  I’m not even confident enough to attempt.

I’m working on it.

I’m writing about it- which makes me feel less alone already.

For all you out there who may be feeling lonely, just know that you are not alone.

 

 

Jessica Blumel

Nice to meet you! I'm Jessica a.k.a North Shore Mama. This site was born out of my love for my daughters and the desire to share my motherhood journey with fellow moms. I believe we're all in this craziness called 'parenthood' together and North Shore Mama is my way of reaching out to anyone who needs a laugh, a cry or dinner inspiration. Thank you so much for reading!

  • Pam

    February 8, 2017 #1 Author

    Leftovers are a reality if trying most new recipes. Agree that it is hard to go out to a restaurant in your own city and take a table meant for more than you. Somehow I can do it anywhere else when traveling. It would be so nice if there were more places with either communal tables or a few spots – not just at the bar – where a single person could enjoy a meal.

    Reply

  • Linda G

    February 8, 2017 #2 Author

    Sweet Jessica, it’s me Linda from RRE. If there’s one thing I’ve always loved about you is that you are honest. You have shared something that has been heartbreakingly honest. If there is one thing I can say to encourage you, it’s this – this new phase of being alone is a time when you can see that you’ve been ‘alone’ for a while and those days will eventually become less lonely when you realize that you will grow out of this phase. You will continue to meet others, to share new feelings and strength will take over the loneliness. I know that with someone like you, who is so dynamic, strong yet vulnerable, but has so much to give, you will find others who will become part of your life. Marriage, kids and all that come with it, change us – I’ve been in a similar place and although I stayed in my marriage, I do know that dealing with it made me stronger in many ways. Vulnerability is constant of course but we are resilient I think and having kids changes us forever. Your kids will be older soon, able to be companions as well as children and although they are not with us 24/7, we have them inside our hearts forever in ways that partners are not. I know that your emotional life will find some peace – when is the question but it will happen. You will know, in your heart and soul, when you are at peace with life – you’re not alone my love. Seek out friends, seek out new relationships, activities and accept the quiet moments as part of the growth and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you become part of a new world. You’re a beautiful dynamic highly intelligent thoughtful and caring young lady who will capture the hearts of many – it’s just not time. Your time now is to heal and think, to settle yourself and then move forward – you’ll have some good days and some bad days but this is true for everyone, right? My wish for you is that people who are alone, don’t have to be lonely. I agree that finding places that welcome singles are so necessary and it will happen eventually but until then, I hope you will find new strength and strategies. I’m proud of you. You’re amazing. Just saying….talk soon, xoxo Linda .

    Reply

  • Erin

    February 9, 2017 #3 Author

    Ah, I love eating out alone. I bring a book, so I can escape there if I feel like it. I see a lot more solo diners over here in the Europe. I’m sorry I’m not there, I’d be happy to entertain you! And as for making dinner for just yourself, when my husband is travelling, I use it as an excuse to buy really expensive seafood, because it’s just for me. Hang in there. xx

    Reply

  • Sheri

    February 9, 2017 #4 Author

    Great post, Jessica. Amazing things happen when you show vulnerability. And by the way, you DO have the confidence to eat out alone. Anyone who follows you can see it. You just have to believe that you do.

    Reply

  • Andrea

    February 9, 2017 #5 Author

    Love you! I’ll feed you anytime and always drink with you. Thank you for sharing, it is interesting to consider the difference of feeling lonely and being alone. Xoxox

    Reply

  • Katherine Petrunia

    February 9, 2017 #6 Author

    I really appreciate that you have shared so openly and honestly this past year. I’m guilty of sometimes wondering what life would be life unattached/ without kids/ solo, etc. And not that our lives are so terrible but I think we are just always curious. Last year was an interesting one for me as well and just knowing that there are others going through moments of reflection and growth is so comforting. I’ve always admired and respected your strength and that you don’t shy away from being raw about life. I think it’s interesting how these moments in life can stop us in our tracks and have us looking back wondering if we’ve always been a certain way or if we’ve changed/ evolved and the reason why. Sorry if I ramble, and thank you for being the beautiful, amazing, strong woman that you are!

    Reply

  • Vanessa

    February 9, 2017 #7 Author

    Jess – all the things you’ve mentioned above (minus the getting married and separating part) I’ve felt. Sometimes I’d be eating at home along and wonder… what if I start choking… no one is here to perform the Heimlich on me…I’d die alone, on my kitchen floor, choking on something I just cooked, with left over still sitting on the stove waiting to be packed away in containers for lunch at work.
    Eating out alone is also not easy…I can’t do it myself…unless I’m travelling, alone. It forces you to eat alone. Start small like eating alone at the food court…I find museums great for dining alone…you might be dining alone…but you have all the artist and paintings with you (It’s probably the only place I’d eat alone). Hang in there and know you’re not alone :)

    Reply

  • Kristina

    March 8, 2017 #8 Author

    Aw. Appreciate your honesty. Take care! You arent alone!

    Reply

  • Mike Gismondi

    March 11, 2017 #9 Author

    A very true and honest post. I usually take a book or something with me if I eat out alone.

    Reply

  • kathy downey

    March 12, 2017 #10 Author

    Very honest and very true but writing about it as put you on the right road to new adventures.

    Reply

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