(To the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”)
“On the 6th day of daycare, child care gave to me…”
Renewed love and S-A-N-I-T-Y !!!
That probably sounds a tad dramatic, but it is the absolute truth. To be honest, I had somehow recently ended up in a bad ‘space’. I love running my own business, but as it continues to grow and my days feel like they are getting shorter, I have been getting very overwhelmed. My body started working against me. I had many instances where I suddenly couldn’t physically take a breath. I felt like I was drowning mentally and emotionally and was having a hard time engaging in conversations with adults, let alone thinking straight for myself. I was starting to get more and more frustrated with my children, and I worried that they were feeling only just that from me. My patience was wearing so thin and my whole world felt like it was falling to pieces. It was not a good place to be.
There were many mornings I would wake up, lay in bed staring straight ahead, and have to convince myself that I could, in fact, get through the day.
Our girls (now almost 4 years old and 18 months old) have been in daycare 2 days/week for the past year, but I was working 1 of those days as a teacher and had only the other remaining day to run this site and cram in any errands or meetings or ‘me time’. I knew I was starting to burn out and I knew that all it was going to take was TIME. Time for myself. Time away from my children.
For those who don’t know me personally, that might sound terrible. For those who know me and who know how enamoured I am with my girls, you’ve heard me say all this over the past couple of years. This is just who I am. I love my children more than life itself, but I need space. I need to feel productive to feel like I am alive. I need to be interacting with adults and having ‘normal’ conversations. I need it to be by choice if I don’t leave my house all day, not because I can’t leave the house due to my sweet baby girl napping.
And those things, amongst many others, are what make me a better mother.
This is the 6th day of full-time daycare. With every day that passes that I take time to drink a coffee and THINK to myself… that I catch up on overdue projects and emails… that I eat proper meals… that I get some exercise… that I start to slowly regain control of the state of our house and of my wellbeing…
I MISS MY CHILDREN more and more. I long for them. I am flooded with funny and happy memories of them that have been tucked away in a deep, dark place. I am loving them again. Real, strong, “I just want to hug you and kiss you and take you all in” loving them again. And I feel sad that that feeling was gone for a while. But I feel relieved that I have it back. I am feeling sane and my most important relationships are being rekindled.
I am remembering who I am, as a person, and my whole family is benefiting from it.
I know I am not alone, as a mother, to be going through these motions and emotions and ups and downs. I am also very cognizant that all our situations are so different from one another. I feel so strongly that we need to support each other in the decisions that are best for our families. Only YOU know what works best for YOUR family and it is no one else’s place to think or say otherwise. Do what works for you and make it work any way you can and if you need help, please ask your loved ones around you. It is NOT a sign of weakness to feel like things are out of control. It’s a sign that you need support.